Revelations of Divine Love · 102 of 127 · tr. Grace Warrack
Chapter LXVIa
"All was closed, and I saw no more." "For the folly of feeling a little bodily pain I unwisely lost for the time the comfort of all this blessed Shewing of our Lord God" And after this the good Lord shewed the Sixteenth [Revelation] on the night following, as I shall tell after: which Sixteenth was conclusion and confirmation to all Fifteen.
But first me behoveth to tell you as anent my feebleness, wretchedness and blindness.—I have said in the beginning: And in this [moment] all my pain was suddenly taken from me: of which pain I had no grief nor distress as long as the Fifteen Shewings lasted following.
And at the end all was close, and I saw no more.
And soon I felt that I should live and languish; and anon my sickness came again: first in my head with a sound and a din, and suddenly all my body was fulfilled with sickness like as it was afore.
And I was as barren and as dry as [if] I never had comfort but little.
And as a wretched creature I moaned and cried for feeling of my bodily pains and for failing of comfort, spiritual and bodily.
Then came a Religious person to me and asked me how I fared.
I said I had raved to-day.
And he laughed loud and heartily.
And I said: The Cross that stood afore my face, methought it bled fast .
And with this word the person that I spake to waxed all sober and marvelled.
And anon I was sore ashamed and astonished for my recklessness, and I thought: This man taketh in sober earnest the least word that I might say .
Then said I no more thereof.
And when I saw that he took it earnestly and with so great reverence, I wept, full greatly ashamed, and would have been shriven; but at that time I could tell it no priest, for I thought: How should a priest believe me?
I believe not our Lord God.
This [Shewing] I believed verily for the time that I saw Him, and so was then my will and my meaning ever for to do without end; but as a fool I let it pass from my mind.
Ah!
lo, wretch that I am!
this was a great sin, great unkindness, that I for folly of feeling of a little bodily pain, so unwisely lost for the time the comfort of all this blessed Shewing of our Lord God.
Here may you see what I am of myself.
But herein would our Courteous Lord not leave me.
And I lay still till night, trusting in His mercy, and then I began to sleep.
And in the sleep, at the beginning, methought the Fiend set him on my throat, putting forth a visage full near my face, like a young man's and it was long and wondrous lean: I saw never none such.
The colour was red like the tilestone when it is new-burnt, with black spots therein like black freckles—fouler than the tilestone.
His hair was red as rust, clipped in front, with full locks hanging on the temples.
He grinned on me with a malicious semblance, shewing white teeth: and so much methought it the more horrible.
Body nor hands had he none shapely, but with his paws he held me in the throat, and would have strangled me, but he might not.
This horrible Shewing was made [whilst I was] sleeping, and so was none other.
But in all this time I trusted to be saved and kept by the mercy of God.
And our Courteous Lord gave me grace to waken; and scarcely had I my life.
John of the Cross's stage of contemplative purgation: a felt absence and aridity of God that strips the soul of attachments to its own consolations en route to deeper union.
The text vividly describes the sudden cessation of divine vision ('All was closed') and the return of spiritual aridity and bodily suffering as a state of deprivation.
The felt condition of exile from one's divine origin — Rumi's reed flute torn from its bed, Plotinus's 'we have forgotten,' the Gnostic forgetfulness; the affective wound that complements return_to_source and gives the return its motive.
The author expresses deep anguish at being cut off from the 'comfort of all this blessed Shewing,' describing herself as 'barren and dry' without the divine presence.